nicotine cravings

Most places on the web say that your nicotine cravings will come and go after the first three days of quitting and it usually does not last for more than a few minutes.

Today is my 20th day and I am telling you, my cravings are at an all time high. Its been going on for more than a few hours now and there are no signs of it ebbing away. I have tried coffee, chewing gum, listening to music… but so far nothing seems to be working.

Not sure how long I can keep this fight up. So here I am trying to get past the breaking point by trying to write about it. I have been trying to quit for more than 30 years now, but frankly, I haven’t had a reason to quit. Sure.. I go out of breath quiet easily these days. I am very well aware of the cancer that might kill me. But you see, in the grant scheme of things, my life is an insignificant splotch. It will hardly be missed by anyone. No one lives for ever…. We all have to meet our maker one day. So i might die a few years younger than my peers… so what? I don’t think I will miss anything from this life. Besides I love smoking and the pleasure I derive from it.

So what makes the difference now. Well, for one because it’s effecting my way of life. I cant eat a full square meal, because it will weight on my lungs.

Second the pennies are adding up. It’s not really a cheap habit. In fact over a life time I must have spend enough money to buy a car or two

Third the smell…. need I say more

Fourth… it effects others… I mean it kills others

Fifth… I don’t want to be a burden on others, when I get sick

Six… I want to save money so that I can buy an X1 carbon (its a think-pad) and I think would be a real good gift for myself if I quit smoking

Seventh… It’s a gift for my mum, She has been asking me to quit for the last umpteen number of years. I think it’s her death wish to see me quit before her time comes.

Eight… As much as I love killing myself, I don’t want to set myself as an example for future generations, specifically my kids. I can’t bear to watch them die before their time.

Nine… I started seeing what others saw. You see it has more to do with love… Its about being able to share your time and efforts with the ones that love you the most. Your wife, children, parents, siblings, niece and nephews.

Ten… the awareness that life is a gift and it’s precious. It was created for a purpose and I have no right to throw it away. What if there was a being that created me? If it didn’t exist… nothing matters… but if it were true, then by throwing my life away, I would make an extremely callous gamble.

So I am willing to take a gamble and assume that there is something more to life than the here and now. That what I do in the here and now has an eternal consequence. Like in a race, there are spectators, some rooting for you, others not. The ones that care has more at stake than the ones who don’t. The One that called you by name has everything riding on you.

In some ways, I thought that not caring when death came made me different, like I was brave. But now I realize that it was the way of the coward. You see, not caring about life, makes it easy to shun responsibility, to not care for anyone or anything. It made it easy for me to become a selfish, self absorbed and narcissistic moron. I refuse to believe that I am the product of a random mutation. If I was created then I have an intrinsic value that can never be diminished. If I have value, then I have purpose. Therefore I must live.

As random as this writing was, it did help me to build my morale.




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