I Fed My Boyfriend and His Friends Dog Food

[No Regrets]

I was in high school, it was the late 80s. I was emancipated already, so I had my own apartment. I also had pay channels because the landlord had a package deal that included my TV.

A guy started really hitting on me, whom I really rather liked. It didn’t dawn on me that he had only started doing so after I got my own apartment (which meant time away from his restrictive home environment for him).

Well, he started spending time at my house, then he started bringing his friends to watch my pay channels with him and ignoring me… The first time they ate my food, I had cooked myself some crock-pot chili for the entire week. It was literally all my meals for the week, to be divvied up into the freezer and eaten as needed. I asked nicely for them not to do it again and explained clearly that it was all my food for the week.

They did it again the next weekend when I made myself a lasagna…. and this time I yelled at them. My erstwhile ‘boyfriend’ then slapped me and told me to knock it off (I was interrupting their show, you know). I was rather outraged that not one guy, not one so much as batted an eye about it.

Instead of breaking up with him immediately, though, I hatched a plot… I bought two cans of Alpo wet dog food and a bag of egg noodles. I made “goulash” with it in the crock-pot and let them eat it.

After that, I brought the landlord’s dog up. I carefully let him lick each and every bowl (because, of course, they didn’t wash their dishes after they stole my food, either). I placed them into the cabinet as nonchalantly as I could, pretending this was how I always did dishes.

I then answered their question about “what was the recipe” of my “delicious” food…. and placed the two open cans of Alpo on the table.

Needless to say, they never came back. I took great relish in spreading it around school that they not only ate literal dog food–but they loved it enough to want the recipe.

Edit: My “boyfriend” and his buddies ate my food twice. When I objected, he slapped me. So I fed them dog food.  My  BF and his friends tried to use me and I guess I ascended  to their  standards. Till this date I have no regrets


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