[Remorse] It happened two nights ago. I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years straight without one single fight and we are very much in love, not one fight. But this night I was alone with friends and went out with them to a casual bar. One of my friends sister was there and I always thought she was cute but it never even crossed my mind on cheating and much much less with her. Well she started flirting but I did not continue the flirt, at first. We started drinking more and one of my friends got really wasted so we started the 30 min walk home. In my drunken state I wanted to continue the party and told everyone that we should go to club that was near by. Obviously no one cared to go… but her. She immediately responded yes and we went to the club alone.
From here things started to get out of control, I regret it all. If I could I would take it all back, just continue walking home… nothing had to happen. But we went there and started to dance, closer and closer… we ended up kissing, I don´t know what is wrong with me, I am the most disgusting human being on the planet. The worst part is how much I criticized men that did this, I am pathetic. We did not stay long and started to go back walking, at first we were silent and awkward, then I just could not resist and had to ask her if she knew that I had a girlfriend, she nodded, smiled and let a little evil yet cute laugh out. We talked about how no one must ever know. Ever. I told her how I felt and that all of this was not fair to her or to my girlfriend. She did not care. She wanted to go to my room… I was there again, taking a decision, and once again I failed, I am weak and I don´t deserve to be loved by my girlfriend… and I caved. We went to my room and had passionate sex… I am dying just by remembering these thoughts… the worst part… I will never tell anyone. I will always regret in silence the biggest mistake of my life.
EDIT: Well, I told her. She of course got really upset, screamed… tears. After a long talk she calmed down, she asked if I regretted it and of course I said yes. We broke up. Some days passed and she told me that she wanted to talk. She said that we could work things out. I couldn’t stand having this memory of such guilt that I told her I couldn’t take her back… she deserves much better than me. Now I need time. Lots and lots of time.
It’s funny how often that cliché phrase “one thing led to another, and before I knew it…” Comes up. I’ve heard so many infidelity stories that feature this oft-used phrase that it’s almost predictable.
The thing is, it’s almost unbelievable. I mean, how does one thing lead to another? Surely you must be aware of this, right? Well as easy as it is to dismiss, it happens far more often than you’d think so there must be something behind it. Well, I believe the reason is very simple: arrogance!
Now let me explain: an awful lot of people, myself included, have fallen Ito the trap of thinking and viewing and describing people who cheat as “cheaters”. Sure, they are cheaters but too often we look at people who cheat as if they’re almost another species. We can’t understand why they would do it, or why they didn’t say “no”. We convince ourselves that we would never ever do anything like that, as if merely not wanting to renders us utterly immune from our more base desires. That cheaters are “them”, and we are “us”, and crossing the boundary between the two groups doesn’t happen and because you’re not a “them”, best intentions will stop you from ever being one. Well unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that.
To be frank; your bodies’ pejorative IS to have sex, and awareness of relationships doesn’t factor in to that base desire. In everybody, faithful and unfaithful alike, there is always that drive. That subconscious push towards sex. Even those who have been propositioned by someone you found attractive and walked away, you cannot deny that you had to override that little voice pushing you to go for it, regardless of how easy it was to do so. That “voice” exists in us all and we must acknowledge that it is an inherent part of our humanity. Being aware of this and accepting this is important. It’s not a failing, however. Far from it: it’s merely a part of being human. You are not a bad person for “hearing” it push you into something, but you are being foolish in thinking you are immune from it because you don’t want it to happen.
And really, this is where most one-night-stand cheating comes from: people let their arrogant belief that “I’m not a cheater” (and subsequent belief of immunity from cheating this brings) lead them into a compromising situation, where a combination of alcohol and enjoying the validation accompanies that attention brings your guard down, so that all they need is a little push from that subconscious voice and then… well, “one thing led to another, and before I knew it…”.
Does that sound about right, OP? Did you believe that your wish to not be a “cheater” let you drop your guard and put yourself in a compromising position? Was it fueled by the thrill of validation? Did it feel like you were watching in 3rd person where you knew it was wrong, but you just couldn’t stop?
To anyone else: it truly doesn’t matter how much you swear bind that you’re not a “cheater”, because that means nothing. All you need are the right circumstances where your guard is down, and that subconscious push will be all you need to end up being that cheater you swore you’d never be.
Truly, the best guard against infidelity is not to chest-beat about how you’d never do it. It’s to recognize that you’re just as capable of it as anybody else. You’re not special. You’re not immune. If you’re in a position where you know it’s potentially compromising, then by all means enjoy the validation (and what a validation it is that this hot person wants to fuck you), but recognize the circumstance for what it is (resist the urge to kid yourself about it so you can keep having your ego stoked) and leave the situation. Go speak to other people. Make excuses and leave the room. Go the fuck home if necessary.
Just don’t kid yourself that it’ll somehow never be something that you would do, and let that arrogance put you in a compromising position. Otherwise, you stand a good chance of joining the long line of people who said “one thing led to another, and before I knew it…”.