The bewitching hour

I wanted to capture the essense of a temptation gone wrong.  The seduction is so much stronger and powerfull when you spend  time reading the Bible, no matter how saturated  you are with the ill effects of porn. When you read the Bible, all of the images that you got so worn out with will suddenly becomes all the more appealing.

It begins with a small ache in the underbelly. It almost feels similar to the ache that you feel when you first fall in love, only love tugs at our heart but porn tugs into the recesses of your loins. You can physically feel the need to fulfill that yearning. Sometimes it’s the whole ritual of  fulfilling the lust that drives your compulsions. Honestly,  sometimes I am not even attracted to the women performing the scene. It’s all about the ritual of doing something profane. That’s what it really boils down to. I know that if I continue this path, most things normal would loose it’s appeal. I can certainly imagine becoming more and more perverted over the years, because of the  need to be always on the edge…the need to find something more special, more perverted, more evil, more irregular, more unnatural.

Dirty old man is what comes to my mind and it’s not even funny. I don’t want to die like that. Remeber how David Carradine from Kill Bill died.. from autoerotic asphyxiation. That was a lousy way to end one’s life ( not saying he was addicted to porn).

This thing has wrecked my family life. I make excuses for not making love by blaming  erectile dysunction, bipolar disorder, depression etc ( I have even got medications from doctors to help with these problems).  The thing is, I have absolutely no erectile dysfumction when I am in front of the computer screen. I can sit for hours and hours  and still be erect the whole time (It’s called edging), yet an ordinary women in the flesh (even if it’s a porn actor) will have no such effect on me. So I can proudly say that no woman can actually seduce me!!! Such a Sham!!!

So this was my  bewitching hour. The hour of the day when I sit in front of the computer to relax. I am supposed to leave this sin at the feet of Jesus. Which means I am not suppose to obsess about this. Because Jesus is supposed to deal with it, not me. Today I am safe, because I was listening to Rick Warren on Youtube almost all of the day. As you can imagine, the tug to sin is strong, but instead of worrying about it, I am publicly proclaiming that the garce and love of God will see me through this trial. This is my path to recovery and I am claimig my freedom through the precious blood of my saviour.

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revulsion

Revulsion

Revulsion: A sense of disgust and loathing.

This is what I felt a little after I wrote the last piece. You see you can write all you want about overcoming sin, but when you are on the spot, it becomes extremely difficult to say no. I keep coming back to this blog, because I don’t have any one to talk to about my sin. I know it is a common sin, something that most adults suffer from. But we can’t talk about it because it is a secret sin. Pastors talk about the sin of pornography in the pulpits. You read about it in the magazines, But it’s very hard to talk about it to another person.

Sure, I talk about it at work. We joke about it at work. Sometimes, we even trade them at work. It’s all good, because not every one suffers from the devastating effects of pornography.  For those not in the inner circle, I feel compelled to SPELL it out

  1. We don’t like real women. They talk back and they are opinionated. Sometimes they have body odor and bad breath.  The biggest problem is that they are human beings that are capable of independent thought
  2. We like the perfectly sculpted and carefully manicured female form. So much so that, over the years, we have developed highly refined tastes for the female form. If they are off by even a bit, they don’t wake up our nether regions
  3. We have a pre-occupation with body parts. Everything has to be BIG. If the actor has a small penis, then we skip the scene even if the woman is gorgeous ( because she can’t possible be aroused by his average size).
  4. Speaking of size, most of us realize that we are either average or less than average in that department. Therefore it makes us lesser beings. We don’t care about what you think. Even if you tell us a 100 times that you like us the way we are, we won’t buy it
  5. Along the way, we have developed and refined our taste for porn. Some of us wonder if we are gay, others wonder if they are bisexual. How about asexual? Too much porn can make you feel that too
  6. We hate intimacy. Most of us have to pretend that we like making love. In reality, we would do anything to stay away from sharing a gentle kiss or a caress. We would rather buy you the moon, than having to share that moment or touch
  7. Most of us are puritans at heart. meaning we love the facade and we really mean it when we try to get closer with GOD. It’s all business, just the Bible and the prayers and no time for anything else. But when we take our eyes of the Bible, we are not looking at you the gentle woman, Our eyes are ravenous and hungry for a piece of flesh  on the screen.

The list is in fact unending. It’s not the same for everyone, but for a lot of us, it is the same bland recipe.

I can’t believe after all of the sanctimonious scribbles  that I made this morning, I am thinking… raring to take a glimpse at the forbidden. The whispers are very inviting. You just have to look now and then be done with it for the rest of your life.

That line has been repeated over and over again, but never left alone. I know that this life is temporary. that all of the mores and the excesses that we carry around has no meaning.  I should not be tempted by the things of this world, but I am caught up in it. In the web of lies and deceit that we fabricate for ourselves.

What am I to do? Answer me…. because all I want is You… Just You.

Nothing you Confess could make me love you less

The sin of being me: addendum

11 Because they rebelled against the words of God,
and despised the counsel of the Most High,
12 Therefore He brought down their heart with labor;
They fell down, and there was none to help.
13 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, And He saved them out of their distresses.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
And broke their chains in pieces.
20 He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destruction.

Ps 107:11-14

I have outgrown many addictions and I am still suffering from a few, a few that had never really concerned me, so much as to pray for it (more on that later). I have also realized that my depression has always been directly proportional to the things I was addicted to. In short, the more the number of addictions I was on, the more depressed I tended to be in. It does makes sense that when you have a substance addiction, the downside or side effects are almost always episodes or severe or manic depression.

But there is another side to the story. You can also get depressed when you do bad things. Things we do because of our selfish desires. We do it because it gives us a temporary high or happiness. However, it never rests well with our conscience. No matter, how much we tell ourselves that it is normal or OK, it does not rest well with our inner being.

Our heart bleeds and cries out for deliverance. We recognize this as depression.
but the bible says

“Therefore He brought down their heart with labour;
They fell down, and there was none to help.”

I am not advocating against clinical depression and the need for medications, but I am just speculating that a great many of us suffer from the side effects of the sin in our lives.

We like to call it depression, because somehow it makes us innocent and wrings away from us the responsibility for our actions.

Most of us think  about smoking, drinking or drugs and adultery as addictions, but there are a great many addictions, some as innocent as gluttony, others are much more severe, but the world does not recognize them as addictions. I am talking about pride, greed jealousy etc.  For some of us it is a passing phase in our lives that we outgrow, for others it becomes an obsession.

This is probably what the Bible refers to in Rom 14:23

“But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.”

I urge you to consider and confront the (secret – because only you know that sin) sins in our lives, before we see the doctor.  For your need may not be met by your doctor, but can only be met by your maker

13 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, And He saved them out of their distresses.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
And broke their chains in pieces.
20 He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destruction.

 

 

Nothing you Confess could make me love you less

The sin of being me

 

Recently I happened to be listening to a YouTube video on C.S Lewis

To be honest, it was a little too dense for me. but one thing really caught my attention was the relativity of our sins. Jesus says “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3). According to Lewis, some of us find it easier to live the christian life more than the others.

Just as people can be born rich or deaf (Obviously, these are not comparable), some people can be born with a higher disposition to sin than others. GOD sees our struggle and he certainly acknowledges our spiritual condition.

I have always struggled with my sins, but I have focused so much on my sin, because that is how the enemy attacks you. He wants you to focus on your failure,  and he will whisper to you constantly about how worthless  you are.

We all know that Jesus died for our sins, once and for all. Both for yesterday, today and for all of the sins that you and I will commit the rest of our lives. But that’s not enough for us, because we have been conditioned from such an early age to be achievers and we don’t achieve when we sin… This is the irony of our lives. The vicious cycle of sin and repentance. Eventually sin, depression and worthlessness wins over the everlasting victory that our beloved Savior made for us.

The world wants you to be self sufficient and independent. It wants you to get over your problems on your own and so even when we acknowledge that Jesus died for our sins, deep in the recesses of our minds, we are still fighting it on our own. We say that we will honor GOD by foregoing our sin, because deep inside, we somehow think that we are doing him a favor by wanting to be a child of GOD.

I have realized that, It does GOD no good when we read the Bible faithfully, or when we pray faithfully every day or attend church every week. It does GOD no good when we give to the poor or help the needy…. GOD does not win anything because of our pious acts.

When we realize that the intention of all of these things that we do are meant to get us closer to GOD, then we honor GOD. When we are with GOD, we live – life in all it’s fullness.

I have learnt to shake of the sins that I struggle with, to not focus on them more than I ought to. I have learnt to lay my sins at the feet of Jesus and I have learnt to trust that he will take it away from me in his own time. Sometimes GOD will teach us to humble ourselves through our sins. Sometimes he wants us to see and understand the struggles that our brothers and sisters go through and he wants us to lend a patient ear or say a word of forgiveness and we can’t do that unless we have gone through the experience ourselves.

I now trust GOD well enough to know that my sins are temporary, that he chose to save me on his own will and HIS “Will” will always be done. My GOD works in mysterious ways and I LOVE him for that ( And I love surprises).

 

 

 

 

 

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. - Mahatma Gandhi

Christ Unlike

Even though I was born a christian, I accepted Jesus when I was in my early tweens , when I attended a Pentecostal meeting. I was very happy at the time and I loved reading the Bible. As I blossomed into teenage, the world opened up, so many new things…. I couldn’t say “NO” to. Soon I realized that even though I wanted to be a child of GOD, my mind and body started to resist it.

I started to realize that Christians were not fun to be around. They seemed so serious, never did anything fun and they were always prayerful.  It just wasn’t fun to be a christian. In fact every time I was reminded by the thought of being a christian, I felt sad and depressed. Deep inside though, I still wanted to be one, but I couldn’t live with hypocrisy. I was trying to be something I was not, I couldn’t blend in. If I ever dared to hang out with Christians, every one else would see right through me. There was no Christian bone inside me. I would not only be ashamed of myself, but I would become a shame to my christian friends and family.

I struggled most of my life, mostly in despair, because I couldn’t be the one I wanted to be. Repentance means, turning away from sin. You always hear stories about this great sinner who completely turned away from his sin and  never looked back. You try to apply that to your life, but it just doesn’t work. I found that I kept repeating my mistakes, like a dog that licks it’s own vomit.

How is this possible? How can we be covered by the saving grace of Christ, yet continue to wallow in our sins. What does it mean to  be a follower of Christ, when you cannot wake from your slumber, when your sin is ever before you?

I now realize that the saving grace of Christ is like a balm that covers you. It protects you and reminds you that you need to walk away from your sin, even when you are too weak to walk away. It is the gentle reminder that whispers to you that hope is still out there.

After half of a life time, I also realize now that the reason I could not walk away from my sin was because, I did not hate my sin hard enough, I still loved what it gave me. The saint was able to walk away from his sin because he has been fighting that fight for a long time just like you. It didn’t happen over night, but people like to over emphasize the greatness of the saint. We are ever reminded to focus on the kindness and grace of GOD, but yet we focus on the works of men.

If you cant walk away from your sin, know that your time is not yet at hand. When you finally do get over it, you will appreciate the greatness of GOD more than anyone else you know off.

So hang in there….!!!!! He is patient enough to see you through…

 

 

 

 

agape, love

Agape

I screwed up and I was in hiding, much like Adam was. I know that you never made that deal with me. Time heals a lot of things except for the sins that we commit, but silly me thinks that, if I have time on my side, then eventually GOD will forget my sin, just as I will eventually…

But  the deal still stands right!!!! The deal was never about my faithfulness or cleanliness, because I can never be that!!!!!. So then why do I bother to hide…. when I know that I can never cover up anything before him. Because, time stands still before him. everything is always ever present.

my ugliness and my shame is ever before him… but his love covers them all… so much so that, I don’t recognize it myself.  My GOD is a faithful GOD. I will never be able to repay him…. but he loves me anyway.

Now I know what it means to be tired of sin…not because it is eating me from the inside out, but much more than that, I miss looking at his face. Looking at his face makes me to forget about everything else…. so please don’t  ever let me walk away.

 

 

failure, suicide, shame

The Necrosis of my SOUL.

The liberal media paint a glossy picture of pornography and masturbation. In my life time there were at least a few people who advocated the usefulness of masturbation and porn, that it helps to relieve stress and sexual frustration.

My first experience with porn was a life changer. The first time I saw a naked picture of a women, my eyes felt glued, my soul was transfixed and it felt like an electric current passed through me. I was hooked.

Since then, I have spend countless hours toiling towards exposing my self to porn. Almost all of my decisions were influenced by trying to steal an opportunity to watch.
In the process, I would look out for every opportunity to isolate myself from others, so that I can spend my personal time fantasizing, reading and watching pornography.

Maybe it was this that drew me to loneliness and Isolation. I did it because I wanted to be alone. I am not sure, but it was probably the start of my bipolar disease or episodes of depression. Because there is a price you have to pay after you watch porn and masturbate. It’s called guilt. Maybe It’s easy for others to just shirk aside such acts as normal, but that was not to be for me.

Guilt and loneliness transpired for years and years all through my teens. By the time I was in my twenties, I was actively depressed, but never knew the name for it.

Why do people some people feel guilt while others can walk about with out even feeling a tinge of it. My friend could anything he pleased, but not feel guilty about it. He was not intolerant or not an antisocial, but just not bothered about the norms that society imposed.

I tried to clean up my act, but I couldn’t. I would spend time going to church, listening eagerly to pastors and priests. It didn’t matter to me if they were orthodox or protestants, anything that would release my soul from this evil that was eating me from the inside out.

Religion did not work, so I covered my pain by medicating myself with what else I could get my hands on. Some times alcohol, sometimes pot, other times pills to put me to sleep.

Even with all of this going around me, I still managed to do well in studies and manage a profession. All of my decisions, the gadgets that I brought, the places that I chose to live were all influenced by porn. It was my mistress or master. It would rear its ugly head when things didn’t go it’s way.

The age of the internet had arrived and suddenly the flood gates of porn opened up. Everything was free. I would take a week of from porn and it would come back at me with vengeance. The guilt of that would drown me in sadness. This would be followed by drugs to drown the sadness. The cycle repeated relentlessly, forever…

It’s a miracle I am still alive and that I am writing this.