failure, suicide, shame

The Necrosis of my SOUL.

The liberal media paint a glossy picture of pornography and masturbation. In my life time there were at least a few people who advocated the usefulness of masturbation and porn, that it helps to relieve stress and sexual frustration.

My first experience with porn was a life changer. The first time I saw a naked picture of a women, my eyes felt glued, my soul was transfixed and it felt like an electric current passed through me. I was hooked.

Since then, I have spend countless hours toiling towards exposing my self to porn. Almost all of my decisions were influenced by trying to steal an opportunity to watch.
In the process, I would look out for every opportunity to isolate myself from others, so that I can spend my personal time fantasizing, reading and watching pornography.

Maybe it was this that drew me to loneliness and Isolation. I did it because I wanted to be alone. I am not sure, but it was probably the start of my bipolar disease or episodes of depression. Because there is a price you have to pay after you watch porn and masturbate. It’s called guilt. Maybe It’s easy for others to just shirk aside such acts as normal, but that was not to be for me.

Guilt and loneliness transpired for years and years all through my teens. By the time I was in my twenties, I was actively depressed, but never knew the name for it.

Why do people some people feel guilt while others can walk about with out even feeling a tinge of it. My friend could anything he pleased, but not feel guilty about it. He was not intolerant or not an antisocial, but just not bothered about the norms that society imposed.

I tried to clean up my act, but I couldn’t. I would spend time going to church, listening eagerly to pastors and priests. It didn’t matter to me if they were orthodox or protestants, anything that would release my soul from this evil that was eating me from the inside out.

Religion did not work, so I covered my pain by medicating myself with what else I could get my hands on. Some times alcohol, sometimes pot, other times pills to put me to sleep.

Even with all of this going around me, I still managed to do well in studies and manage a profession. All of my decisions, the gadgets that I brought, the places that I chose to live were all influenced by porn. It was my mistress or master. It would rear its ugly head when things didn’t go it’s way.

The age of the internet had arrived and suddenly the flood gates of porn opened up. Everything was free. I would take a week of from porn and it would come back at me with vengeance. The guilt of that would drown me in sadness. This would be followed by drugs to drown the sadness. The cycle repeated relentlessly, forever…

It’s a miracle I am still alive and that I am writing this.




Life Less Ordinary

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This void in my heart
Infinite chasm, beyond repair
looking inward
where does this pain come from?

secret lies and hidden thoughts
A morbid disease of the soul
in a desert of lascivious pride
black is the color of my true love

perfidious, feckless, fickle
Vegetating in this slump
Wallowing in the wastelands
of imperfect asymmetry

Arms unfurled
I look up at the night sky
Searching, yearning for recompense
Remission for sins untold

Grace perfected,
Sweat that bleeds red
pain embraced, the agony of love
Slaughter of the lamb, forgiveness drawn
Rain falls, showers that be

where embers glow, transmuting the pneuma
this is the place of reconciliation
propitiation in place of death
humble, but exalting and exalted

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Autogynephilia, anyone?

This is going to come across as really weird. I had a fetish of being married to a hot wife for a long time.That eventually morphed into something else. Now my fetish is to imagine myself as that woman who is making out with a man.
It’s weird because I am not really thinking about a man having sex with me. He just happens to be an occupational hazard. I am getting of thinking about the pleasure that the women derives. I also get off when I imagine myself as a women who is also a cuckoldress..


UPDATE: I once swiped a female co-workers images and went around online pretending that I was her. She was a really beautiful  woman. It was so much fun going around teasing guys pretending to be her. It didn’t last, because I was overrun with guilt  + I was running out of pics to weave new stories… she was a great proxy though.  I have moved on, but the thought of it sends waves of guilt down my spine… I hope that nothing bad came out of my actions. She is happily married with a kid now.


The OTC Effect

Diphenhydramine HCL v.s. Doxylamine Succinate Vs whatever

OK so this post is mainly for the parents or anyone else who might be concerned about their loved one who is abusing drugs.

Great, so your loved one is weaned of drugs, right and you think the said person has absolutely no access to drugs? Well then read on …. because it is not what you think


These over the counter medications are totally safe for the average joe, but not so much for the addict who is going through a  bender. Take my case for example.  These pills are so easy to steal to start with, because it supposedly does not give you a high.

I wanted to get high and I was desperate. So I started popping these pills. So my normal workflow or modus operandi was thus

Day One

  1. I would usually walk down the isle of a local rite aid and steal a bottle or two of any of the drugs above indiscriminately
  2. Start popping them every 0-20 mins
  3. Instead of feeling sleepy, your eyes just pop out after a while
  4. By the end of the day, If you find yourself in a dark room, you won’t be able to walk from one end of the room to the other. Your legs go wobbly and you will have to crawl from one place to another. You will eventually fall asleep though

Day Two

  1. Repeat steps  all steps in day one
  2. Increase your uptake
  3. You will stop feeling hungry
  4. your stomach will be filled with gas and you will be passing gas from all of your extremities
  5. Eating becomes a laborious act, but you will get there.
  6. You will groggy the whole day, but you wont be able to sleep, because you are waiting for the knock out effect which you are used to.

Day Three through Day Five

  1. If you kept up your routine, between day three and day five, the hallucinations will start
  2. Initially you will see and hear voices randomly.
  3. Occasionally, you feel like people are touching you
  4. But these rapidly progresses to full on hallucinations
  5. You wont be able to tell the difference between what is fake and what is real
  6. You will start talking and laughing with others
  7. Watching movies or whatever that really gets you going
  8. Sorry if you are getting any kinky ideas, that just wont work. That part of your body would be taking a break

Now it gets really tricky. I do  not if it was part of the hallucination or some thing else.

During my sleep I would eel like something was watching me, peering into my soul. Sometimes I would feel it was touching me or trying to sleep next to me. There were others that used to give me orders, asking me to do things.

It was totally ghoulish. It was one thing to watch an imaginary movie or have  conversations with imaginary people. This was different… it felt different.

The hallucinations kept going even after I stopped the OTC Meds. I must have continued to hallucinate for a week. My folks gave u on me and thought that I had gone crazy.  They thought the alcohol and drugs had scrambled my head. Little did they know what I was up-to.

Here is the really, really weird part. I related this to my pastor, never mentioning that  I was abusing OTC’s. He told me, next time the entity asked me to do some thing, just tell it to leave me alone.

As much as I found the experience disturbing, I was also equally attracted to the experience, because it was like being high all the time. Anyways, this one time, it came and asked me to do something notorious and I insisted that it leave me alone.

That was the last of it. I never had the experience ever after. I never abused the drug after that.

I just thought that people should know, that OTC’s are bad for drug addicts. They are equally, if not more deadly than illegal drugs or alcohol

Reader beware. and spread the word… [ This is a true experience ]

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Blood lust

I crave for something darker
I don’t think I can hide it any longer
I can feel it, slowly, quietly
creeping up and watching me inside
It wants to be known
It demands to take control
It desires pain and enjoys misery
It doubts contentment and resents gratitude
It feeds off grief and lives in insecurity
It takes pleasure in pain of others, but
hates receiving one from them
Its a being worth abandoning
It deserves in isolation
I don’t think I can hide it any longer
I crave for something darker