Ashamed of it all

A lifetime spent to understand God. The more I try to, the further he slips away from me. These days I don’t have what it takes to face him. I feel like a laggard, I will never be able to bridge the chasm.  I don’t have any juice left in me.

There was a time of hope when I thought that – that day would come;  but the older I get, I realize that it’s slipping through my fingers. Death would be glorious and something to look forward to if I could contain my wayward life.  After all, that was the life that was promised to us mortals. I fear death because I know for me death would be the end of it all.




The Anatomy of a Cuckold

I won’t pretend to draw comparisons or drivel you with lengthy lectures or explanations about what a cuckold is. Most often, explanations regarding the cuckold stereotypes or subculture is an erotic construct to stoke the mind. It’s not meant to make you think but rather panned out as softcore entertainment.

This is a recollection of my thoughts on how I got hooked and a self-assessment on who I am as a person.
I am not a cuckold in the normal sense. By that, I mean that I do not live the lifestyle, but an active part of my imagination revolves around it. I never had these thoughts before, but I was drawn to the genre in the early 2000’s when I started reading related stories. I did not realize what I was stepping into. I only knew that I was drawn to it like a moth to fire. It was only after a couple of months into it that I first googled the term “cuckold stories”.

First, a few facts based on the readership of my blog. I have made about 39 posts on my blog and I hardly have any readership nor do I care. But after I published the stories, I have had a fair increase in readership. The majority of my readers are from the USA, in fact, there are 6 times as many readers in the US more than all the other countries combined. The UK, Canada, India and Australia trail behind. By the way, these numbers relate to just one blog post (A cuckold story). I haven’t considered the viewership of other blog posts. By extension, I assume that most of the readers are potential cuckolds

So, here is my interpretation of the results.
1. Primary viewership is white (All countries feature a predominantly white population except India). Hence most of the cuckolds are white
2. Because India is in the mix, I have to conclude that the readers are educated. (Because only educated folks in India has access to the internet.) Therefore cuckolds are generally educated and hence the general notion that cuckolding is an intellectual fetish
3. Majority of the cuckolds are probably Christian because the majority population of the countries listed identifies themselves as Christians

I am not sure if there is anything more to be inferred based on the stats.

If I were to consider myself as a representative of this statistic then I would add the following

4. Cuckolds generally have a low self-esteem but you will probably never see it being manifested in the regular life
5. Cuckolds are probably high functioning individuals in the office context
6. Cuckolds have likely gone through some form of traumatic experience in their childhood. ( Traumatic experiences doesn’t always translate to rape or abuse. It could simply be a case where they felt that they were ignored, snubbed or invalidated over a prolonged period of time)
7. Most cuckolds are married with kids but probably have a dysfunctional sex life
8. Most cuckolds have been exposed to pornography over a length of time
9. Cuckolds have a high sex drive but it’s mostly misdirected
10. They may have trouble communicating with their partners and probably has intimacy issues

If you are a cuckold (does not mean practicing) and any of this resonates with you, then say peeps 🙂

I personally do not understand why I am stuck with this fetish, but it spins through my head several times a day. No matter what porn I watch, I will always circle back to cuckold porn at the end of the day. I am not proud of it and I regret it every time after I am done. But within a day or two, I am back at it like clockwork.

What keeps me going is the humiliation aspect of cuckolding. When I read a cuckold story, I am immersed in the character of the protagonist. Not only do I find myself immersed, I also find myself being the voyeur, looking in; watching the clueless hubby squirm with stones churning in his stomach. The woman in the picture is not just any woman, it’s his beloved. It always has to be the “Beloved”; Therefore she can be replaced by any other ‘Beloved’ of the opposite sex, be it the mother, wife, sister or daughter. A stranger (Even if its a woman) would instead incite anger, violence, and fury of the cuckold. It’s not the bull who is in control of a cuckold husband. He suffers his betrayal at the hands of his beloved.

This is the crux of my fetish. I do understand that there could be a more manageable but healthy cuckold relationship, but I am not talking about reality. I live in the world of fantasy and I suspect that majority of the cuckolds live in this subspace. What I do know is that all of my shame,  humiliation, low self-esteem is fetishized in my cuckold fantasies.

In the end, I do not understand my predicament. Just an average Joe trying to pick the pieces…

Interesting Titbit on cuckoldry

Its been a week since I published a cuckold story. I was looking at the stats on the blog regarding the visitors for this blog entry. My advertisement has solely been on Reddit.

So maybe that has some influence. But here are the results after a week. I am just listing the top 15 countries. What do you think?. Please comment

United States 931
United Kingdom 131
Canada 95
India 69
Germany 54
Australia 48
France 24
Belgium 22
Portugal 14
Russia 14
Netherlands 12
New Zealand 9
Ireland 8
Pakistan 7
Italy 7

The bewitching hour

I wanted to capture the essense of a temptation gone wrong.  The seduction is so much stronger and powerfull when you spend  time reading the Bible, no matter how saturated  you are with the ill effects of porn. When you read the Bible, all of the images that you got so worn out with will suddenly becomes all the more appealing.

It begins with a small ache in the underbelly. It almost feels similar to the ache that you feel when you first fall in love, only love tugs at our heart but porn tugs into the recesses of your loins. You can physically feel the need to fulfill that yearning. Sometimes it’s the whole ritual of  fulfilling the lust that drives your compulsions. Honestly,  sometimes I am not even attracted to the women performing the scene. It’s all about the ritual of doing something profane. That’s what it really boils down to. I know that if I continue this path, most things normal would loose it’s appeal. I can certainly imagine becoming more and more perverted over the years, because of the  need to be always on the edge…the need to find something more special, more perverted, more evil, more irregular, more unnatural.

Dirty old man is what comes to my mind and it’s not even funny. I don’t want to die like that. Remeber how David Carradine from Kill Bill died.. from autoerotic asphyxiation. That was a lousy way to end one’s life ( not saying he was addicted to porn).

This thing has wrecked my family life. I make excuses for not making love by blaming  erectile dysunction, bipolar disorder, depression etc ( I have even got medications from doctors to help with these problems).  The thing is, I have absolutely no erectile dysfumction when I am in front of the computer screen. I can sit for hours and hours  and still be erect the whole time (It’s called edging), yet an ordinary women in the flesh (even if it’s a porn actor) will have no such effect on me. So I can proudly say that no woman can actually seduce me!!! Such a Sham!!!

So this was my  bewitching hour. The hour of the day when I sit in front of the computer to relax. I am supposed to leave this sin at the feet of Jesus. Which means I am not suppose to obsess about this. Because Jesus is supposed to deal with it, not me. Today I am safe, because I was listening to Rick Warren on Youtube almost all of the day. As you can imagine, the tug to sin is strong, but instead of worrying about it, I am publicly proclaiming that the garce and love of God will see me through this trial. This is my path to recovery and I am claimig my freedom through the precious blood of my saviour.



Revulsion: A sense of disgust and loathing.

This is what I felt a little after I wrote the last piece. You see you can write all you want about overcoming sin, but when you are on the spot, it becomes extremely difficult to say no. I keep coming back to this blog, because I don’t have any one to talk to about my sin. I know it is a common sin, something that most adults suffer from. But we can’t talk about it because it is a secret sin. Pastors talk about the sin of pornography in the pulpits. You read about it in the magazines, But it’s very hard to talk about it to another person.

Sure, I talk about it at work. We joke about it at work. Sometimes, we even trade them at work. It’s all good, because not every one suffers from the devastating effects of pornography.  For those not in the inner circle, I feel compelled to SPELL it out

  1. We don’t like real women. They talk back and they are opinionated. Sometimes they have body odor and bad breath.  The biggest problem is that they are human beings that are capable of independent thought
  2. We like the perfectly sculpted and carefully manicured female form. So much so that, over the years, we have developed highly refined tastes for the female form. If they are off by even a bit, they don’t wake up our nether regions
  3. We have a pre-occupation with body parts. Everything has to be BIG. If the actor has a small penis, then we skip the scene even if the woman is gorgeous ( because she can’t possible be aroused by his average size).
  4. Speaking of size, most of us realize that we are either average or less than average in that department. Therefore it makes us lesser beings. We don’t care about what you think. Even if you tell us a 100 times that you like us the way we are, we won’t buy it
  5. Along the way, we have developed and refined our taste for porn. Some of us wonder if we are gay, others wonder if they are bisexual. How about asexual? Too much porn can make you feel that too
  6. We hate intimacy. Most of us have to pretend that we like making love. In reality, we would do anything to stay away from sharing a gentle kiss or a caress. We would rather buy you the moon, than having to share that moment or touch
  7. Most of us are puritans at heart. meaning we love the facade and we really mean it when we try to get closer with GOD. It’s all business, just the Bible and the prayers and no time for anything else. But when we take our eyes of the Bible, we are not looking at you the gentle woman, Our eyes are ravenous and hungry for a piece of flesh  on the screen.

The list is in fact unending. It’s not the same for everyone, but for a lot of us, it is the same bland recipe.

I can’t believe after all of the sanctimonious scribbles  that I made this morning, I am thinking… raring to take a glimpse at the forbidden. The whispers are very inviting. You just have to look now and then be done with it for the rest of your life.

That line has been repeated over and over again, but never left alone. I know that this life is temporary. that all of the mores and the excesses that we carry around has no meaning.  I should not be tempted by the things of this world, but I am caught up in it. In the web of lies and deceit that we fabricate for ourselves.

What am I to do? Answer me…. because all I want is You… Just You.

Nothing you Confess could make me love you less

The sin of being me: addendum

11 Because they rebelled against the words of God,
and despised the counsel of the Most High,
12 Therefore He brought down their heart with labor;
They fell down, and there was none to help.
13 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, And He saved them out of their distresses.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
And broke their chains in pieces.
20 He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destruction.

Ps 107:11-14

I have outgrown many addictions and I am still suffering from a few, a few that had never really concerned me, so much as to pray for it (more on that later). I have also realized that my depression has always been directly proportional to the things I was addicted to. In short, the more the number of addictions I was on, the more depressed I tended to be in. It does makes sense that when you have a substance addiction, the downside or side effects are almost always episodes or severe or manic depression.

But there is another side to the story. You can also get depressed when you do bad things. Things we do because of our selfish desires. We do it because it gives us a temporary high or happiness. However, it never rests well with our conscience. No matter, how much we tell ourselves that it is normal or OK, it does not rest well with our inner being.

Our heart bleeds and cries out for deliverance. We recognize this as depression.
but the bible says

“Therefore He brought down their heart with labour;
They fell down, and there was none to help.”

I am not advocating against clinical depression and the need for medications, but I am just speculating that a great many of us suffer from the side effects of the sin in our lives.

We like to call it depression, because somehow it makes us innocent and wrings away from us the responsibility for our actions.

Most of us think  about smoking, drinking or drugs and adultery as addictions, but there are a great many addictions, some as innocent as gluttony, others are much more severe, but the world does not recognize them as addictions. I am talking about pride, greed jealousy etc.  For some of us it is a passing phase in our lives that we outgrow, for others it becomes an obsession.

This is probably what the Bible refers to in Rom 14:23

“But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.”

I urge you to consider and confront the (secret – because only you know that sin) sins in our lives, before we see the doctor.  For your need may not be met by your doctor, but can only be met by your maker

13 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, And He saved them out of their distresses.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
And broke their chains in pieces.
20 He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destruction.



Nothing you Confess could make me love you less

The sin of being me


Recently I happened to be listening to a YouTube video on C.S Lewis

To be honest, it was a little too dense for me. but one thing really caught my attention was the relativity of our sins. Jesus says “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3). According to Lewis, some of us find it easier to live the christian life more than the others.

Just as people can be born rich or deaf (Obviously, these are not comparable), some people can be born with a higher disposition to sin than others. GOD sees our struggle and he certainly acknowledges our spiritual condition.

I have always struggled with my sins, but I have focused so much on my sin, because that is how the enemy attacks you. He wants you to focus on your failure,  and he will whisper to you constantly about how worthless  you are.

We all know that Jesus died for our sins, once and for all. Both for yesterday, today and for all of the sins that you and I will commit the rest of our lives. But that’s not enough for us, because we have been conditioned from such an early age to be achievers and we don’t achieve when we sin… This is the irony of our lives. The vicious cycle of sin and repentance. Eventually sin, depression and worthlessness wins over the everlasting victory that our beloved Savior made for us.

The world wants you to be self sufficient and independent. It wants you to get over your problems on your own and so even when we acknowledge that Jesus died for our sins, deep in the recesses of our minds, we are still fighting it on our own. We say that we will honor GOD by foregoing our sin, because deep inside, we somehow think that we are doing him a favor by wanting to be a child of GOD.

I have realized that, It does GOD no good when we read the Bible faithfully, or when we pray faithfully every day or attend church every week. It does GOD no good when we give to the poor or help the needy…. GOD does not win anything because of our pious acts.

When we realize that the intention of all of these things that we do are meant to get us closer to GOD, then we honor GOD. When we are with GOD, we live – life in all it’s fullness.

I have learnt to shake of the sins that I struggle with, to not focus on them more than I ought to. I have learnt to lay my sins at the feet of Jesus and I have learnt to trust that he will take it away from me in his own time. Sometimes GOD will teach us to humble ourselves through our sins. Sometimes he wants us to see and understand the struggles that our brothers and sisters go through and he wants us to lend a patient ear or say a word of forgiveness and we can’t do that unless we have gone through the experience ourselves.

I now trust GOD well enough to know that my sins are temporary, that he chose to save me on his own will and HIS “Will” will always be done. My GOD works in mysterious ways and I LOVE him for that ( And I love surprises).