I wanted to capture the essense of a temptation gone wrong. The seduction is so much stronger and powerfull when you spend time reading the Bible, no matter how saturated you are with the ill effects of porn. When you read the Bible, all of the images that you got so worn out with will suddenly becomes all the more appealing.
It begins with a small ache in the underbelly. It almost feels similar to the ache that you feel when you first fall in love, only love tugs at our heart but porn tugs into the recesses of your loins. You can physically feel the need to fulfill that yearning. Sometimes it’s the whole ritual of fulfilling the lust that drives your compulsions. Honestly, sometimes I am not even attracted to the women performing the scene. It’s all about the ritual of doing something profane. That’s what it really boils down to. I know that if I continue this path, most things normal would loose it’s appeal. I can certainly imagine becoming more and more perverted over the years, because of the need to be always on the edge…the need to find something more special, more perverted, more evil, more irregular, more unnatural.
Dirty old man is what comes to my mind and it’s not even funny. I don’t want to die like that. Remeber how David Carradine from Kill Bill died.. from autoerotic asphyxiation. That was a lousy way to end one’s life ( not saying he was addicted to porn).
This thing has wrecked my family life. I make excuses for not making love by blaming erectile dysunction, bipolar disorder, depression etc ( I have even got medications from doctors to help with these problems). The thing is, I have absolutely no erectile dysfumction when I am in front of the computer screen. I can sit for hours and hours and still be erect the whole time (It’s called edging), yet an ordinary women in the flesh (even if it’s a porn actor) will have no such effect on me. So I can proudly say that no woman can actually seduce me!!! Such a Sham!!!
So this was my bewitching hour. The hour of the day when I sit in front of the computer to relax. I am supposed to leave this sin at the feet of Jesus. Which means I am not suppose to obsess about this. Because Jesus is supposed to deal with it, not me. Today I am safe, because I was listening to Rick Warren on Youtube almost all of the day. As you can imagine, the tug to sin is strong, but instead of worrying about it, I am publicly proclaiming that the garce and love of God will see me through this trial. This is my path to recovery and I am claimig my freedom through the precious blood of my saviour.